What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stranger

The Beauty in Sight October 23, 2019

I just got contact lenses for the first time.

I know, I’m a little bit past that phase of life, but bear with me. I’ve had a prescription for glasses for a few years. It was a very light Rx, so I basically only wore my glasses for watching movies, hiking, international travel, and Disney World. My head is so large, glasses that aren’t comically big give me a headache, so it just never seemed worth it.

But I took a chance at my eye exam and asked if I could have contacts, and the doctor said yes!

Getting them in and out in the office wasn’t that bad. I think my years of sticking on fake eyelashes eight times a week finally came in handy. I popped those suckers in…and life became amazing!

Trees have leaves. So many freakin’ leaves! And roof singles don’t all sit at one level―they stack on top of each other! Signs have lots of words, I can tell it’s a stick, not a bird in the river, and the people in the audience have faces.

Audience members have feelings and reactions while you’re performing for them. Not all of them good. It’s shocking how many expressions the people staring at you can cycle through in a short amount of time.

Okay, so I did scratch my eyeball trying to get my contact out. And maybe I gave myself a cyst on my eyeball because of said scratch, but screw it. Contacts are the freakin’ best, and I’m never going back to fuzzy life.

(Once I wait three to four days for my eyeball to heal.)


Bumpersticker Besties May 7, 2016

Have you ever fallen in love at first bumpersticker? It happens to me all the time. Not like romantic love — I am married after all — but like you are my soul mate and we should backpack around the world together.

I see a bumper sticker of a pink ribbon that says “fight like a girl,” and I think, “Yes! Girls fight!” I agree with you. Be my friend.

I see a stick figure with six dogs, and I want to go play with their dog. Your car supports the politician I like: I want to have coffee with you. That Disney annual pass holder magnet means we should spend our whole lives in Disney world together.

If I’m stopped behind you at a red light, I start imagining the conversations we would have.

You like world peace?

I like world peace, too!

And then we jump in happy circles together. It’s amazing. It’s instant kinship!

If the red light is really long, I start imagining our lives together. We go sailing because that’s where you’d rather be. Then we drink beer because we both like that brewery. It’s a meaningful relationship.

Until the light turns green and you drive away, leaving me shattered, thinking of the things that could have been as you leave me behind. But then someone has a Mickey Mouse antenna topper, and I forget all about you and start all over again.