I am shaped funny. It’s not that I have bad body image or anything else like that. I just have a funnily shaped body. When I sit down I am extraordinarily tall. Taller than most men who are over six foot. I’m only 5’8”. I have a ridiculously long torso. This causes many problems. Like getting yelled at while watching a ballet because some catty woman in fur thought I was sitting on my heels. “Do you have any idea how much I paid for these tickets!” Probably not as much as you did for the tacky dead animal you’re wearing. And, P.S. I can’t shrink! (more…)
How to change into a Victorian Costume in a Parking Lot without getting arrested.
Step one: Put your giant skirt over your head. Sorry boys, you’re out of luck. You have just discovered one of only two times in life it’s better to be a woman. Number one being when trying to get a drink at a bar.
Step two: With your skirt draped over your head, take off all your clothes. It’s naked time!
Step three: Begin re-dressing from the bottom up. While in your dress tent, start with your stocking, go to the petty coats, and work your way up.
Step four: Have a good friend pass in to you your lining for under your corset and hope your nipples don’t show through.
Step five: Pop out of the waist of you skirt and see how many people have stopped in the parking lot and are now staring at you.
Step six: Have someone tighten your corset while you speak in your best Scarlet O’Hara accent.
Step Seven: Have someone paste you into your bodice.
Step Eight: Walk into the ball pretending that you were dressed by four maids in your own personal dressing room.
Pretty Pretty Princess October 19, 2013
When I was growing up, my father always made my Halloween costumes. And he didn’t just stick pipe cleaners on a headband. I had hand sewn, beautiful costumes every year. At the end of the summer, my mother would take me to the fabric store and let me look through the patterns. I would decide what I wanted to be, and we would choose the fabric. My father would take all of my measurements and start building my costume. The week before Halloween, we would do a costume fitting to make sure I was perfect for the big day. (more…)