This week my husband and I celebrated our thirteen year dating anniversary! Since we’ve been so busy, we decided to keep it low key and had a coffee and chess date at a café one of our friends had told us about. The place was super cool: a C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkien themed café. I had a Silver Sea cappuccino and a Reepicheep grilled cheese.
We had brought our own travel chess set, but one of the tables was already set with a Lord of the Rings board and pieces. Just so you know, playing with a themed set is way harder than playing with a normal set. I mean, first of all, the pieces all look super different, which is confusing, and I feel different about sacrificing a pawn when it’s a hobbit. The emotional connotation is just really different.
Things were going really well until the guys at the bar started talking about cats… and their mothers. One of the guys, a gentleman I would place at about fifty said, “My mother was always awful. She said I was just like my father. But I told her, I’m not like my father, I’m not a rapist.”
Okay, so this guy obviously has family issues. Like the kind you don’t usually air in a quiet, geek-chic café. One of the other guys tries talking more about his cat and how his landlord wants him to get rid of it. Another guy pops in with how he used to run an animal rescue until his fiancée stole all the money and ran away. And that brought us back to the evil female influences in these guys’ lives and non-rapist’s evil mother.
“I mean, she was always evil, right here—” he reveals some body part I can’t see (thank God) “—is where she stabbed me with a steak knife for playing with my Atari in my room.”
She stabbed her son… with a steak knife! But he didn’t stop!
“I mean, my dad was in the state and federal Pen, so I didn’t really see any of him.” This guy needs something stronger than coffee right now. And I know he’s not an addict because they covered all the things he’s done and not become addicted to ten minutes ago.
“I really think the problem was that she needed to get laid.”
Yes, cause not getting laid is a normal reason to stab your child.
“And I mean, she’s re-married now, but she’s still a bitch.”
Why would you still be in contact with the woman that stabbed you!!!! Why!!!
I don’t know why, because that was when we packed up and left. Cute café or not, when things get stabby, I leave.