I think we all know that I’m highly flammable by now. Highly flammable and uncoordinated, which is a terrible combination seeing as I’m rehearsing to play the Wicked Witch of the West this summer.
But I have come before you to argue that my flammability is not entirely my fault! In my defense, I present the story of my most recent kitchen fire.
The story begins with my love of bacon. I didn’t eat pork of any kind for years after seeing the movie Babe, but then one day the husband convince me to try a nibble of fried pig fat. Good lord, my life changed. Bacon is a magical gift from the cosmos, and I will not reject such an amazing treasure.
We were in cast housing, and my husband, who doesn’t let me cook because he knows how flammable I am, had made bacon. He hadn’t wiped up the stove when he was finished because we were running to do a show. ‘Cause bacon makes for a great performance, of course. We got home, and I decided to boil water to make tea. I put the water on to boil, went to wash my hands, and grabbed a paper towel to dry them. I dried my hands and noticed the grease spots still on the stove from our close encounter of the bacon kind. Not wanting to waste a paper towel, I used the one I had dried my hands with to wipe up the bacon spots, at which point the paper towel spontaneously combusted.
Just whoosh – fire in my hand. I was on the phone with my mother and muttered something like, “I have to go I set things on fire” before hanging up.
I tossed the burning paper towel into the sink and watched it burn till it went out.
In retrospect, water + grease + heat = fire. But really, I didn’t even get in near the burner and boom, flaming hands.
There was no damage to the kitchen or to me, and I don’t think I should really be blamed too harshly for that one.
But then you strap a fire shooter, tiny though it may be, to my hand and set me loose on stage? If I can cause near catastrophe with a paper towel, what can I do with things that are supposed to catch on fire?
So send good vibes to Oz for me…and for the poor scarecrow.