lifebeyondexaggeration

What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stranger

Flaccid Fist April 20, 2016

The Merriam Webster definition of “flaccid” is not firm : not hard or solid : lacking strength or force.

I think we can all agree that “flaccid” is just about as gross a word as “moist.”

Flaccid. Moist. Say it with me:

Flaccid moist.

Okay, now that we’ve gotten the giggles or gagging out of our systems, I find flaccid men to be wholly unattractive. Get your minds out of the gutter. I don’t mean that in the Game of Thrones, below the panty line sense. I dance with a lot of guys onstage. Big ones, little ones, sweaty ones, smelly ones, but you know what I can’t deal with? The flaccid ones. The ones with hands that feel like newborn baby toes. All soft and round with the feeling of dysfunctionality.

I am very lucky and found a husband who’s built like a Welsh coal miner, which is like a lumberjack but under six-foot. He’s like a brick wall.

And it’s not that amply-proportioned men necessarily fit into the flaccid category. There are some very strong guys in this world who lack six packs. They grab you to waltz, and you know they will partner you well. And then there are guys who go to the gym every day, look all strong, take your hand and… flaccid. How do they hold a pencil?!

I now understand the virtue of a firm hand shake. It’s not to see if you can break all the bones in my hand, it’s to prove that fat, thin, short, tall, balding or man bun, you are not a flaccid human. You can carry wood, open jars, and waltz like a boss.

I know my aversion to flaccidity (yes, that is a real word) is not universal. Some people like soft hands. But for me a flaccid fist will never do. Please feel free to giggle again.

And once more for good measure.

Flaccid. Moist. Fist.

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