Now, before any of my dear friends who are beach body coaches get a bee in their britches, helping people to be healthy and feel great about themselves is awesome. For you. You’re good at that sort of thing. I’m not. I would be terrible at motivating people to love themselves and be healthy. And here’s why:
1) To me, Beach Body sounds like a dead body washing up on a beach. Unless you are hiring me to kill you, I really don’t know how to help you achieve your Beach Body.
2) Because if a client whined to me that they didn’t have time to work out, my response would almost certainly be, “What do I look like Doctor Who? I don’t have a TARDIS. I can’t make you more time. Dumbass (shakes head.)”
3) I don’t want to know how quickly you’ve lost weight. Either it’s average, non-existent, or worryingly fast. Either way, I don’t want to analyze pictures of you in your panties.
4) I tried shakeology once. I hated my life for four hours. It felt like I had swallowed a vat of concrete with the hopes of digesting it. Hint: In the fight between cement and my intestines, the cement won.*
5) I will never post a video of myself working out. Dorking out, freaking out, spitting up crackers in a failed saltine challenge, yes. But never working out. Because working out is not cute when I do it. No one wants to see that on Facebook over their oatmeal. Some people do abs cute. Not this kid.
6) I’m not motivational. I’m honest. Terribly, unfortunately honest. So honest that I would probably be fired for telling clients the truth. Like, “Sweetie, skinny doesn’t fix stupid.” Somehow, I don’t think that would go over well.
7) If someone told me to portion my food into tiny Tupperware, I would tear their face off. And portion it into tiny Tupperware.
8) I spent four years with people telling me what was right for my body. I will never try to tell someone what they need to do to be healthy. Be happy first. Love yourself. Then you’ll figure out what you need to do to protect the body you love.
9) With my luck I would get a group of nine-hundred pound people who had to clap for exercise (yes, that is a thing) and severely anorexic people. The responsibility of dealing with that much life-or-death weight matters would kill me.
10) I suck at taking selfies. Please note examples 1, 2, and 3 below. I can’t take motivational selfies. It’s just not in my skill set.
*Not all intestines have the same incompatibility with shakeology that I suffer from. Who knows? It might be the fountain of youth to you instead of the slow intestinal death it is to me.