I love my job. I really, truly love my job. I love being in Alaska. I love getting to perform. But damn, every once in a while you want to punch a patron in the taint.
And yes, I just said taint.
A few days ago, we had a group come into the theatre while I was bartending. We have a very limited selection, but most people can find something within our means to keep them happy.
But these people wanted, nay needed, sauvignon blanc. We don’t have sauvignon blanc. Our only white wine is chardonnay.
So, I told the first man who came asking, “I’m sorry. Our only white wine is chardonnay.”
Man: “So, what wine do you have then?”
Me: “We have cabernet sauvignon—“
Man: “That’s a red.”
Me: “Yes, we have cabernet sauvignon and merlot for red, and our blush is white zinfandel.”
Man: “I’d like a savingnon blanc.”
Frustrated me: “I’m sorry sir, but we only have chardonnay .”
Man: “ So, no sauvignon blanc.”
Me thinking I might finally have gotten through to him: “No, my only white is chardonnay.”
Man: “So your only white is chardonnay. I’ll have a merlot.”
Next man in line who has been listening to this whole freaking conversation: “Can I get a sauvignon blanc?”
For the love of God, man, I only have freaking chardonnay!!!!!!!! Why must you torment me?!! And then I realized I had heard a parable that was meant to guide me through this exact moment in my life:
A duck walks into a bar and asks, “Got any grapes?”
The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and asks, “Got any grapes?”
Again, the bartender tells him. “No — the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes.” The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, “Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!”
The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, “Got any nails?”
Confused, the bartender says no.
“Good!” says the duck. “Got any grapes?”
For the record, I did not threaten any of the seven people who tried to get me to sell them sauvignon blanc with nails to the feet. Neither did I serve them sauvignon blanc. Because I only had chardonnay!