What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stranger

Car Choices in the Apocalypse (Or Is a Hummer Worth It?) May 11, 2015

A few weeks ago, I saw a Hummer driving down the road. Naturally, the conversation moved to questioning the need for such a large vehicle. Does it have to do with the size of genitalia? Is it about showing off how much money you make? Cause I mean seriously, outside of the military, why would you actually need a Hummer? And then I realized why Hummers are necessary.

The Zombie Apocalypse.

Now hear me out. Should the Zombie Apocalypse occur, a Hummer could be really useful! The windows sit very high, making it difficult for the zombies to “bust the windows out you car” and drag you from the car to eat you. Just think about it. The angle they would have to leverage you from would be much more difficult than a regular sedan.

I think it’s also safe to assume that the siding on a hummer would be stronger than that of a normal car. So, if a horde of zombies tries to pound their way through, you’ll have extra protection. The wheel beds are also higher. If you’re trying to drive through a pack of zombies bowling style, you’ll have fewer problems with the zombie bodies piling up under your wheels making it impossible to drive. You can’t afford to have fallen zombies piling up to your bumper as you run them over. That’s a sure fire way to get eaten.

The only real downside to having a Hummer in the Zombie Apocalypse is the gas mileage and fuel economy. Unless you have a safe fueling station with enough fuel to last you for a few years until the Zombies wear themselves out and rot,  you would have to find a lot of gas to keep that Hummer running. And getting out of the Hummer would leave you at high risk, which would negate most of the safety bonuses you had with driving the giant car-tank.

So, unless you have tons of safe fuel, which would seem unlikely unless you were in the post-apocalyptic military, you might be better off with a zippy little fuel-efficient car so you can run from brain-eaters for much longer stretches without needing to fill up.

In conclusion, unless it is a military-issued vehicle, driving a Hummer is a terrible idea that will probably get you eaten by Zombies.

You’re welcome, Hummer owners. I just saved your lives.


3 Responses to “Car Choices in the Apocalypse (Or Is a Hummer Worth It?)”

  1. avwalters Says:

    Perhaps all the attributes you cite apply, whether moving or not. Maybe, in the absence of affordable homes, the formerly well off will be living in their Hummers, long after they can afford the fuel.

    Alternatively, given the rate at which such vehicles suck down the fuel, maybe Hummers are the mechanical incarnation of zombies. Maybe we’re there now.

  2. Similar concerns re all the Mad Max movies.

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