What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stranger

Fear the Dog Woods this Earth Day April 22, 2015

I have terrible allergies. Sometimes it gets so awful that I’m a bit afraid to look at flowers in books. The fact that they’re made of ink could all be a ruse. It could be a real flower in disguise, waiting until I look at the pretty picture in National Geographic to throw pollen in my face.

What if M Night Shyamabutt was right in that terrible movie The Happening? If you haven’t seen it, go find it on Amazon, buy it, and watch until poor Zooey Deschanel is forced to say, “There’s a car.” Because you know, when the world is ending in a plant-fueled apocalypse, finding a decent and gassed up ride is super easy and obvious like that. Then destroy the movie, and don’t bother watching until the end. Not only is it a bad film, it will leave you with the lingering fear that all plants are out to kill you in the most horrific way possible with the tools at hand. And the wind. The wind will also kill you.

But what if the line of dogwoods outside my bedroom window really are trying to kill me? What if they all got together and said, “Hey, Megan is crazy busy this week. Let’s all bloom…now”? And then they all stand there, silently laughing as my eyes water and my sinuses swell shut.

Do their little twiggy fingers pry open my window at night so they can shake pollen onto my face as I sleep? Do they have betting pools on how many times they can make me sneeze on the way to my car? I think they do.

So happy Earth Day. To the plants that are trying to end my life!


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