Every year when I go in to get my lady bits checked, they ask me all the weird questions like: are you married? Yes. Are you in a monogamous relationship? Yes. Is your partner male or female? Male. Does your partner also sleep with men? No, thought we covered that with the whole monogamous thing.
Well, this year, since I am far from home and will be spending the next six months in the Alaskan wilderness, I had to find a different doctor, and the only people who were willing to see a new patient was Planned Parenthood. I made my appointment and headed in for the lady bits check. The whole bullet proof glass around the receptionist, though understandable, was a little scary, but other than that, it was fine.
But the prescreening questions were terrifying! Does your partner know you’re here? Does your partner tell you how to dress? Do you know what a healthy relationship is? Are you a part of a healthy relationship? Are you a victim of human trafficking?
Aside from not knowing how a victim of human trafficking would get to a doctor, I just sat there with my Starbucks, shaking my head in numb horror. If they had to ask these questions, that meant that someone, maybe even lots of someones, had answered yes!
Then they took me for the exam, and the Doctor insisted that I have a test done for the clap! This is a yearly issue. You say you’re happily married, and they think you’re lying and diseased. I learned long ago that my insurance will pay for the test, so it’s best to just let them do it as it will save you a twenty minute lecture from the nurse on how caring for your body is your responsibility.
But this time the Doctor was so somber about it. “You’ll know the results in a week.”
I tried to look somber back. It was nice of her to be so concerned, but I really just wanted to giggle as a highly inappropriate song ran through my head. “I’ve got the clap, and I’m giving it to you.”
I told my husband about the STI test, and we had a good laugh about it, both of us trying to figure out how you can be monogamous and sleep with other people. We still haven’t figured that out, by the way. And don’t worry, the tests came back, and once again, I’m clean. The clap fairy didn’t come to spread cheer in the middle of the night. So I leave you with “I’ve got the Clap” so that you too may giggle at the gyno.