A few years ago, I had to get a stitch. I had a tiny little mole on my wrist that had been there for years but had suddenly decided that one color brown was just not enough and became Megan’s Amazing Technicolor Dream Mole. Being the mature adult that I am, I went to the doctor to have it looked at. She said it was probably best to just take the whole thing off and have it tested.
The whole getting it removed part wasn’t so bad. She numbed it up and boom, the mole was gone with just one little tiny stitch. I was so badass. I had a stitch! But it hurt. And the next day it hurt, too! I kept telling people it hurt, but my cast mates thought that I was being a whiner. So I just kept making my husband clean it for me (I couldn’t actually bear to look at it myself) and struggled onwards.
Finally, the day before I was supposed to get the stitch removed, I had had enough. I bumped my stitch during a quick change and almost cried it hurt so badly! So I made the matriarch of the cast who had two children and a grandson look at it. Her response was, “Well, that’s not right. When are you getting this out?” I told her it was about twelve hours away and she said, “Oh, that’s good” with her best I’m not going to freak you out by telling you your arm may need to be amputated face.
I went to the doctor the next day, and the nurse took me into the room and said I wouldn’t be seeing the doctor and that she would be taking the stitch out herself. I told her my stitch hurt and looked funny, but she just smiled and said everything was fine. Until she looked at my stitch. Then her face fell, and she said she would be right back with the doctor.
The doctor came in, looked at my poochy little wrist, and told me that I was allergic to the nylon the stitch was made of and that my body had been rejecting it. So, not only had the hole formerly known as Megan’s mole not healed right, but I had blistered where the stitch had been. She took the stitch out and said not to worry. I was young. I would heal.
I went home in shock. My badass stitch had gone horribly wrong. I was exhausted and decided I needed to be in my PJs stat. As I pulled on my pajama top, the place where my useless and evil stitch had been burst open and started bleeding. It was as if I had never had a stitch at all. I suffered for nothing! My stitch did nothing! My stitch in time did nothing but cause pain and suffering. So next time you have a mole that needs to be removed, use an X-Acto knife and super glue.*
*The writer of this blog post has not actually tried removing a mole with an X-Acto knife and super glue. Try this method at your own risk. The author of this blog assumes no responsibility for any mishaps thereof.