What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stranger

How to Lose a Tip in Ten Easy Steps January 4, 2014

Filed under: Tales of Humanity's Imperfections — meganorussell @ 10:00 am
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How to Lose a Tip in Ten Easy Steps –

Work at a Dinner Theatre that has a buffet – Most patrons won’t realize that they should tip their waiter for beverage service, and the rest will pretend they don’t know.

Forget every order – Delivering orders to the wrong table helps this. Let the person who ordered the Daiquiri see you give it to another table.

Be in the show – If you have to leave early to get into costume, they will develop deep seeded abandonment issues.

Let your husband spill on your table (yeah, this really happened) – Preferably something sticky that stains.

Wear a wig for intermission service – They won’t recognize you. They will ask you repeatedly to see their waiter.

Fool yourself into thinking Micros will not kill your soul – The computer system Micros will do everything possible to destroy your spirit. Accept this. You will never ring in everything right for a whole shift. The Micros demon will not let you.

Serve for a good family show – Shows that are appropriate for the whole family will never make servers money. Work a show about strippers. In fact, just become a stripper. That would be the best plan.

Refuse to give patrons things that you don’t have – You don’t have gluten free pie? Well, that’s too bad. You should give them some anyway. It is clearly your fault that gluten free pie is unavailable.

Be in the ensemble of the show – Your tables will think you are lying about being in the show and will deprive you of your hard earned tip based on the fact that you are a liar. I mean, you could be a liar. You are an actor after all, so that is your job.

I thought I had ten ways to lose a tip, but my husband informed me I had only listed nine. Maybe that’s another problem: maybe I can’t count well enough to give change.


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