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What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stranger

Miming the Hooker (Rated PG-13) September 11, 2013

Filed under: Hi-Ho the Glamorous Life — meganorussell @ 10:00 am
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I have only ever done one real TV audition. Mostly because I’m a stage actor, and partially because my one TV audition was so traumatizing. I don’t think I could do another without serious therapy.

It was an audition for the TV show Brother, or Brotherhood, I don’t know. They were filming in Providence, Rhode Island and I was living in Newport, so it was perfect.

I showed up for the audition, which was on the top floor of some strange building with one of those long outdoor staircases leading to the door of the casting company. My husband was with me, so I was a little less scared of being murdered. But it was still creepy.

I was in line behind one other person to audition, and they gave me a side to read. I was auditioning to be a hooker, and my two lines were something like “You like that sugar?” and “I’ll take the money now.” I waited my turn and went in. I was pretty nervous. I mean, I was auditioning to be Jason Isaacs’s whore.

I went into the room and stood on the little white “x” in front of the camera. I read my lines in my sexy hooker voice, which is something they did not cover in college (what did I pay those teachers all that money for?). The casting lady tells me that was good but what she really needed to see me do was mime giving Jason Isaacs a hand job. But I couldn’t move my hand. Or my arm. Or anything. I needed to express the hand job with my face.

I don’t know how to give a telekinetic hand job. I’m a horrible actor, and I should never audition for anything again. I have no idea what I did for that segment of the filming. I wish I could have seen the video. I think it involved some eyebrow raising and maybe a licked lip.  It probably looked more like pooping than a hand job, but I tried my best, dammit! I got a big old “thank you, next!” from the casting lady.

I didn’t get to play Lucius Malfoy’s hooker. And I still don’t know how to give a hand job without moving. Maybe I really should consider a career shift. Or just stick with the tap shoes.

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5 Responses to “Miming the Hooker (Rated PG-13)”

  1. ABE Says:

    It’s a sad state of affairs that so many acting jobs for women on TV and movies are as damaged women and hookers (possibly more interesting to play, but it skews what viewers see). In the same way, I always felt the huge number of roles for young black men as drug dealers on The Wire was an enormous waste of their acting abilities.

    • It is sad how many stereotypes there are in casting. It can be hard to find a way out, or a role that stretches you. Women are hookers or mothers, men are womanizers or drug dealers. I think that really says something about the state of entertainment today.

  2. aenriii Says:

    Hi, I chuckled while reading this “My husband was with me, so I was a little less scared of being murdered.” but when I came to read this.. ” I read my lines in my sexy hooker voice, which is something they did not cover in college” AND THIS… “It probably looked more like pooping than a hand job, but I tried my best, dammit!” –> I think I almost died laughing. HAHAHAHA. Followed you the moment I had finished reading your post. 😀

    Kudos for the effort during your auditions though. Don’t give up, just try not to audition for handjobby roles. HAHAHA. 😀 Have a nice day!

    – Aenri (Aah-Yen-Ree)


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