When I was a freshman in college, I got a cyst on my ovary. Sorry gentlemen, you probably won’t like this story. Well, I tried to tough it out for a while, then I went to the nurse. And finally after realizing that this was beyond the help of campus health, I took my first trip to the dreaded gynecologist.
The office seemed to take pity on me, eighteen, innocent, and freaking out. They gave me an older female nurse for my exam. She was nice and sweet. She spoke in a low soothing voice. But then came the part where she had to reach inside and feel my ovaries. Sweet Jesus!
I am a performer. I change in dressing rooms all the time. I throw myself at sweaty men and hope they don’t drop me for a living, but that was just too far. The panic switch in my head went off! Without meaning to I tensed every muscle in my body. EVERY muscle. As a dancer I have really strong inner thighs, and I trapped that poor old nurses fingers where things should not be trapped. She tried to calm me down, telling me to take deep breaths and everything would be OK. Then she said, “Sweetie I need you to relax. I can’t feel my fingers.”
Well that sent me into a fit of hysterical laughter. My vagina had become a Chinese finger trap. Unfortunately, the laughter didn’t actually make me release any muscle tension. It took two nurses patting my hands and telling me to breath before I let that poor woman go. Somehow I feel like I should belong on a “Worst Gyno Patient List.” But for all the gay men out there: vaginas do not in fact have teeth, but they can gum the shit out of you.