My sister is one of those nice I-want-to-help-people sorts, so after college she decided to join AmeriCorps for the year. She had to wake up early to do PT in the morning, and then she built houses and dug holes or something like that for the rest of the day. Well, one fateful day she was forced to go to a mandatory evening of roller skating “fun and bonding time” where she broke her ankle in two places. She was sent home tired and in pain. She got back to the house when I was home from college on a break, and my then-boyfriend now-husband was visiting me. As I was helping my very distressed sister unpack her clothes, she came across a horrifying crab-like bug in her clean panties.
Now normally I mock her affinity for all things neat and organized. But in this case I couldn’t help but agree when she screamed “AmeriCorps gave me crabs!” and started crying hysterically. We were both freaking out. Even my big brave then-boyfriend now-husband was freaking out. Bugs do not belong in panties! Ever! No bugs in panties allowed. For some reason, and I don’t know why, Googling the bug to find out what it was didn’t end up on our to-do list. Instead I called my friend who had a car and begged her to drive us into town so we could seek professional medical assessment of this bug.
Well, the pediatrician my sister and I had both seen as children was already closed for the day, and the emergency room smells funny. So, we took the bug to the friendly Wal-Mart pharmacy, my crying sister on crutches, my then-boyfriend now-husband who was meeting my sister for the first time, me picturing my sister burning down our room to cleanse the rest of her clothes, and my friend trying not to giggle at the three of us. After convincing the pharmacist that we really did need help (I think my sister’s tears really helped with that) she looked at our bug. It was a tick. There was a tick in my sister’s panties. But that’s a whole lot better than a crab.