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What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stranger

Plastic Hands – Rated PG-13 April 22, 2013

Filed under: Hi-Ho the Glamorous Life — meganorussell @ 8:05 am
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I know I shouldn’t complain. Most actors travel for work all the time. At least those of us lucky enough to be working. Some actors go months without seeing their significant others, but I miss my husband’s face. I haven’t seen it in almost nine months. And not because I haven’t seen him. I’ve been spending almost every second of the day with him as we’ve traveled the country performing on the Fiddler on the Roof national tour. I’ve missed my husband’s face because a giant ginger monster swallowed half of it! Though my husband’s hair is black, his beard grows red, and this giant red beard has covered his chiseled chin for the better part of a year. I’ve spent months anxiously awaiting the return of the chin, but now even though Fiddler is closed, the chin is still hidden. We just found out we’ll be traveling to Alaska for a month, and they want him to keep his beard. I supposed it’s a sacrifice I’ll have to make to see Alaska, with my husband, but without his chin.

That being said, the tour is now at an end. We’ve performed Fiddler 220 times in more than 70 cities, traveled 50,000 miles on a blue bus, and I survived dammit. In honor of the end of my first national tour here is one of my favorite tour stories:

One night while I was performing on tour, I stayed behind at the theatre to help load the costumes back onto the truck. I was walking down the hall with our wardrobe mistress when we were stopped by two volunteers who were busy dumping batteries from our body mics. One of the women smiled and said with the sweetest southern accent, “I’m sorry, could I just ask, why do ya’ll put condams on your microphones?” (Please note condams is not a typo but rather a representation of how she said the word.)

Our wardrobe mistress answered with a smile while I tried not to giggle like the four-year-old I am.  “Well, performers sometimes sweat quite a bit, and wrapping the mic packs in condoms is the fastest way to water proof them.”  I smiled and we started to walk away.

“I’m sorry, I just have to ask… how do you get the lubricant off?” The woman asked in a timid voice.

Our wardrobe mistress answered again, “they actually make non-lubricated condoms, and we buy them in bulk for the show.”

The woman nodded thoughtfully. “You know, we used to have a rubber glove factory in town. They made condams, too. My girlfriend used to work at the factory, and when it shut down they gave her three plastic hand molds. She’s so proud of them. She’s got them hanging up in her living room. She told me she could have gotten three plastic penises, too, but she thought that would be too much.”

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3 Responses to “Plastic Hands – Rated PG-13”

  1. StephB Says:

    First of all, while you may disagree it sounds like stage travel is an absolutely glamorous usage of time (I’m picturing being on the road like FAME the original movie will all types of personalities). Second, the term “giant ginger monster” is something that my daughter who has a weird obsession with redheads would love and lastly, where can I get an awesome title that ends in “mistress”? Happy and safe travels and wishing you a speedy return of your husbands face! Glad to have found your blog.

    • Thank you for commenting! Touring isn’t as glamorous as you might think. You spend most of your day sleeping on the floor of the bus sniffing thirty other people’s farts. But it is a great adventure, and I’m always up for a new adventure! And getting to perform for people across the country is amazing! So at the end of the 50,000 mile bus ride it was worth it.

  2. Sora Says:

    Oh, Fiddler on the Roof – always has been a favorite and Alaska for a month, that sounds like a ton of fun! Never been there (yet :)) but always wanted to. At the end of the month get yourself an electric shaver and get rid of the ginger monster yourself! The perfect ending to your Alaskan escapade! Good luck!


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