What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stranger

To Pee, or not to Pee April 1, 2013

Filed under: I Meant Well — meganorussell @ 8:05 am
Tags: , , , , , ,

I love hiking. When my husband and I drive cross country, every time we pass a mountain I shout, “I wanna climb it!” My husband, who also loves hiking, then has to take on the role of the mature and responsible one to say, “No, we can’t stop to climb every mountain we pass.”  He won’t even let me ford every stream. He’s mean like that. So, I’m left in the passenger seat panting like an excited puppy at every peak we pass. We did, however, have time to climb a few mountains in Phoenix, Arizona. Today’s story is about the climb up Camel Back Mountain.

Camel Back isn’t a particularly hard climb. The only problem is that it’s just one giant rock. And when you’re climbing the spine of the camel, you could easily fall off the mountain and tumble to your death. My husband and I climbed carefully up the crowded mountain, and the only real excitement was when I put my hand on a rock and accidently groped a lizard. I think the lizard liked it.

The view from the top was gorgeous. We sat down amongst the fifty or so other hikers and enjoyed the scenery as I chugged water. I was determined not to get dehydrated in the desert sun. Heat headaches are one of my least favorite things, right behind menstrual cramps and shin splints. As we started back down the mountain I was so proud of myself. I was sunburn free and hydrated like a champ. But about fifteen minutes later the trouble began.

I had to pee. And not just a little. Like a three-year-old-at-Disney-gonna-go-in-my-princess-dress kinda pee. I have no problem peeing in the woods. That’s fine. You find a bush and drop trou. But there are no bushes on Camel Back. There aren’t even loose boulders to sneak behind. It’s just a big rock. We spent the next ten minutes stopping every time there was a twist in the trail, but as soon as I got ready to pee, another group of college kids would climb on by. My husband, being male, had no problem finding a place to water the desert, but I had no luck.

Finally, hiking was no longer an option. If I had to scramble down one more rock, I was going to wet my pants. In an act of sheer desperation, I found  the biggest rock that I could, went as close to the cliff as I dared, and swimsuit peed.

For those of you who never went to summer camp, joined a swim team, or were  a little girl, swim suit peeing involves pulling all the fabric to one side and peeing out the leg hole. Thankful I had stolen my husband’s basketball shorts, I channeled my inner three-year-old, and let it go. Peeing on the side of that mountain in full view of the city of Phoenix felt like one of the most daring things I had ever done. And if acting doesn’t work out, or writing for that matter, I now have practice for being homeless.

I couldn’t find any photos of Camel Back, so I have included one of another hike in Arizona from Sedona, AZ:

Devil's Bridge Sedona


9 Responses to “To Pee, or not to Pee”

  1. Patt Says:

    I was so happy to read that someone was enjoying the beauty of my home state and not complaining about the heat. Please come back anytime (except maybe in August – then you really would complain about the heat!). And thank you for the Like on my Bananas and Prunes blog. I’m glad you only groped a lizard and not one of the dasterly Easter rattlesnakes!

  2. CL Says:

    Hi Megan, thank you for following my blog, MyDailyCityLife! I can totally relate to this post – happens to me all the time, except instead of being on a cliff, I’m on a train and there’s definitely no way I can pull this off on a crowded train!

  3. EagleAye Says:

    That is freakin’ hysterical. What a fun story. My is a lot like this. Every time she learns about something interesting or a beautiful place, she wants to go there or do that. Except I don’t think she’d voluntarily pee in front of Phoenix. If in the same boat, though, she’d probably do the same as you did.

  4. roberta4949 Says:

    when you gotta go you gotta go, If I was that desperate I would of just turned my back on the group had my hubby stand behind me with his shirt off hiding me and go. well I would pick a spot as far from the people as possible, then let her rip because if I have to go that bad I absolutly cant hold it, I would rather like you say pull the pants to the side and go. glad you got relief, I hate to hold it.

  5. jwear Says:

    I highly recommend getting a feminine urinary director, aka “pee-cone,” aka “fenis.” It is the best $12 I’ve ever spent.

  6. […] wonderfully witty story for you to read today. But I did climb Camel Back Mountain this week without peeing on the way up or down. My shirt did pop open during the show Wednesday night. And I used the word absolutely a […]

  7. idiotprufs Says:

    How much better would Hamlet have been if this had been the question?

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